Gut Rumbles
 

June 10, 2003

holy bejus!

I just walked back into my trashy, unwashed kitchen to get myself another glass of wine. As I passed by the elegant, although plastic, imitation French doors leading out to my luxurious 8' X 8' concrete patio, I glanced outside and saw something that didn't look right. I took two more steps toward the wine box and stopped dead in my tracks.

Do you ever have those moments? You know, when your mind takes in a rapidly-changing scene and ONE detail jumps right to the front of your brain and screams, "THIS AIN'T RIGHT!" That happened to me today. Something on my patio didn't belong there.

I retraced my steps and and saw it. It was...

GODDAM RATTLESNAKE! BIG, COLD-BLOODED, SCALE-COVERED, UGLY-ASSED, FANG-EQUIPPED, SERPENT-EYED, VENOM-CARRYING, BELLY-CRAWLING, NASTY, NASTY NASTY!

I went to the bedroom and picked up my shotgun, checked to see that it was loaded and started out the FRONT DOOR, because I was gonna sneak up on that bastard from behind. Then, I thought about it. If I shoot that sunbathing shitass where he is, I'll damage my patio and probably blow half the windows out of my artificial French doors from the ricochets off the concrete. That plan wouldn't work.

I went to the garage and got my golf ball retriever out of my bag. I extended that sumbitch to maximum length, opened the garage door and launched my attack.

I went out the garage door and rounded the house. I crept on stealthy, bare feet, right through the goddam blackberry vines. (I'll be picking thorns out of my feet for a week now.) I had a fully-extended golf ball retriever in one hand and a shotgun in the other. If a neighbor had seen me, a 911 call would have been an immediate response to the Crazy Man in the neighborhood.

But I reached my point of attack and used the golf-ball retriever in an attempt to rake the snake off my patio. All I did was piss him off. The bastard coiled up and started striking at the end of the retriever, and he was singing with his rattles to beat the band. I interrupted his nap, and he didn't like that.

I had to step a little closer to get some more leverage (Acidman fears very little in this life. But he IS NOT COMFORTABLE around snakes.) I finally hooked him and tossed him out onto the ground. He tried to make for the woods, but I got close enough to his fleeing ass to blow his head off. I dug a hole and buried him deep in the back yard. I used the shovel to rake his disgusting ass into that hole, too. I don't touch snakes. He was about 4' long with six rattles and a button on his tail.

I'll probably have nightmares tonight. I HATE SNAKES.

But that's one that'll never bite Quinton.

Comments

You did save the rattles for him to play with, right?

If not, you better keep it to yourself or you'll be out there digging it up.

Every kid needs a rattler tail. (Just my idea of getting in touch with nature.)

Posted by: glorybbb on June 10, 2003 04:53 PM

Well, you fucked up Rob - not only will the enviro-twinkies be after you for killing a "defenseless" animal, but you buried the sumbitch, costing yourself a good pair of shoes.

Posted by: Roy AlderseBaes on June 10, 2003 05:04 PM

Acidude: 1 Snake: 0

One of the reasons I like the City. No snakes.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on June 10, 2003 05:22 PM

Bwahaha...I wish I could have seen the dance! You are terrified of them because you were warned repeatedly, and rightfully so, of the stealth and deadly Copperhead...And when the faint smell of cucumber hits you, you know you must be right on top of one of the nasty, sneaky bastards.

Posted by: pw101 on June 10, 2003 05:28 PM

I'm still laughing ..glad it was you and not me. I'd have to move now.

Posted by: Dawn on June 10, 2003 05:35 PM

BAREFOOT? Uh-uh, no freakin' way.
Steel-reinforced hip-waders, maybe. Even then, I'D have shot his ass through a window or something. I've heard of people (men, that is) shooting deer through a window while sitting on the toilet, so why not a snake?

Posted by: stevie on June 10, 2003 05:43 PM

Dawn, that's why I own a shotgun. I live in the woods and I see lots of wild animals all the time. I have a deer-dent in the right rear quarterpanel of my truck , I've killed TWO rabid racoons on my property and I've been to two armidillo-shoots, where we waited for them to come, turned on a light and shot the shit out of a bunch of them.

Armadillos will root your yard worse than a wild pig will. And they breed like rats.

You are a city girl. I am a country guy. You don't move. You kill the enemy.

Posted by: Acidman on June 10, 2003 05:54 PM

Rob,
Do your balls clang when you walk? Barefoot through blackberry vines is too rough on the toes for me. But good shooting all the same

Posted by: Rey on June 10, 2003 06:36 PM

*POOR SNAKE*!!! just kidding, I love animals but it's not worth riskin your children for...I have a few harmless glass snakes around here, they keep the rattlers away (or so I've been told)....

Posted by: Trease on June 10, 2003 06:50 PM

I love snakes....they're quite interesting really...but some of them do have that smell that gets all over your hands when you pick them up. Lizards are better....they don't leave that residue smell!
But.....you did get the rattle didn't you.....that'd make a fine souvenir.

Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr on June 10, 2003 07:28 PM

Just don't post youir address. The Piss and Shame Dept. will send a couple guys and a dog out to sniff where you buried the bugger so that they can fine you.

But chasing a snake in bare feet? How many glasses of vino did you say you'd had? The hell with the thorns, you've put knots in my stomach.

Posted by: Howard E. on June 10, 2003 07:45 PM

Crap. Read that damn comment three times. YOUR. YOUR. YOUR. YOUR.

It's bad enough that I keep typing compouter all the time and have to correct it, but youir is worse.

I should leave it at compouter anyway, because that's just what it is.

Posted by: Howard E. on June 10, 2003 07:49 PM

I think I would have reacted in almost the same way. I respect snakes, I'm not afraid of them. Just don't come near me or mine. I've killed many snakes that came too close.

But barefoot???

Posted by: Debbi on June 10, 2003 08:27 PM

Having grown up in the wilds of WVA - the tell tale sign of a rattlesnack is enough to make me crap my pants - even now.

Ooooh and water moccasins, ugh.

Glad you are still with us.

Posted by: Dawn O. on June 10, 2003 08:37 PM

My Uncle was a Navy medic during WWII, attached to the Marines. He joined at age 15, careered out as a Chief Petty Officer.

His "den" in his garage in San Diego had hundreds of rattles pinned to the walls. He spent years at Camp Pendelton making sure the drill instructors weren't actually "killing" the basic recruits on their "little" hikes. He carried a medical kit, a canteen, and a bayonet. Recruits carried 90 lb. packs and rifles. In the desert hills.

He and the DI's competed to see who could impress the recruits the most by killing the rattlers with their bayonets. Apparently, my Uncle often won.

For those of you who saw the movie "The Great Santini", that was my Uncle exactly, except he wasn't a pilot. He kids eventually recovered -- in their 40's.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on June 10, 2003 08:55 PM

LMAOROTF -- The other day I was evious of the sweet Georgia heat compared to the weather in Iowa, which is more fickel than a woman with PMS.

But, HA no worries about anything slithering through my back yard.

We are going to buy a bug zapper this year for the infested critters carrying West Nile Virus. If a "certain someone" could invent the Internet, can you write and ask him to invent a slither zapper?

Glad you survived your battle, WHAT do you do for entertainment? How do them Georgia gals you date, take to your chivalry?

I'm not a duffer, would a ball retriever work on spiders, or wasps? What is a ball retriever?

Signed,
Mostly always barefoot until I read this!

Posted by: Sassy on June 10, 2003 08:58 PM

If there is ever a snake on our patio, it would save Kim a great deal of grief just to shoot me. He'll be spending the next three years with me coiled around him. I think he hates snakes more than you, but not as much as me. There was a spider the size of a quarter on the patio today--I didn't smoke for 2 hours. Imagine what a snake would do?

Posted by: Mrs. du Toit on June 10, 2003 09:03 PM

You realize what you did was pre-emptive war, which is a violation of all that is sane and holy. How did you know that snake contained fangs of mass destruction? How do we know? You sold us that war based on those fangs, and now it's obvious you lied!

Posted by: McGehee on June 10, 2003 09:12 PM

Seems like classic misdirection... wasn't it based on the rattle? Maybe he was just holding the rattle for somone else, maybe it wasn't his rattle at all. Maybe he was a grey old fangless ferret wearing trick-or-treat fangs? We'll never know the truth, without a billon dollar investigation!

Posted by: Sassy on June 10, 2003 09:48 PM

Shit. You shot it. You shoulda ate it.

Posted by: Hank on June 11, 2003 12:30 AM

Oh crap. I forgot to warn you that I was sending you something...

Posted by: Venomous Kate on June 11, 2003 12:59 AM

Now that was good, McGehee.

Posted by: serenity on June 11, 2003 07:20 AM

Iíve dealt with rattle snakes hundreds of times from the time I was a little kid. I used to kill everyone I saw. Now I usually donít kill them but I can guaran-damn-tee you that I would kill one in my yard.

Snakes donít bother me except, as one poster noted, the smell some leave on your hands.

Luckily, in my part of the country, rattle snakes are the ONLY poisonous snake we deal with. I canít imagine dealing with water moccasins, copperheads; whatever. At least rattle snakes let you know where theyíre at before they bite you.

As an aside; they do make a fine hat band.

Posted by: Lobowalk on June 11, 2003 09:21 AM

What was it that Indiana Jones always said? "Why does it have to be snakes?" Exactly.

Posted by: Paul on June 11, 2003 01:13 PM

For those who've never eaten snake before:

If somebody offers you a piece of snake to eat, refuse it.

It doesn't taste like chicken, it doesn't taste like pork.

It tastes like SNAKE.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on June 11, 2003 11:20 PM
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