May 17, 2003

more answers

This is for michele, who I most ceremoniously de-linked yesterday. Just because I kicked her yankee ass off my blogroll doesn't mean that I don't still love her, so I'm willing to share this wisdom, which I learned from a stranger in Wal-Mart today.

If you want to break in a baseball glove quickly and make it as soft as sheepskin, get a can of Hot Glove Treatment, "The Four-Minute Glove Softener." Follow the instructions and DO NOT use a microwave, you stupid people out there.

You'll bake up a couple of really soft gloves in about 45 minutes. I think that shit is amazing. It costs $5.99 a can and you probably could service an entire Little League baseball team with one can. A minute amount of that foam goes a long way. Try it; you'll LIKE it.

that amish guy asked that since I don't have ten commandments for blogging, what would they be if I did? That's a fair question, being as warped as it is. I thought about it for a while and felt ill.

So, I went outside, called the boys and threw a baseball for an hour to let them enjoy their new gloves, once I dragged their asses out of the woods and made them turn the captured lizards loose. As I was bouncing balls off Jack's head and watching Quinton catch everything I threw (Quinton is becoming quite an athlete-- that acorn didn't fall far from the tree), I kept thinking about the ten commandments of blogging.

Then I got "Dizzy" by Tommy James and the Shondells stuck in my head. Bejus! I wasn't going to post about this, but I'm doing it just to get that shitty song out of my head.

Acidman's Ten Commandments of Blogging

1. Post a lot. Throw up pure shit knowing it's pure shit just to update your site. If you write well at all, one out of four posts will be okay, and people will visit just because you update regularly and write some gems every now and then. They are willing to pick through your shit to find the gems.

2. Be yourself. Don't copy what is popular out there. Folks, Acidman is ME. My personality, as unpleasant as it may be, infuses this blog and I wouldn't have it any other way. Your blog should do the same thing, only nicer than I do.

3. Don't be afraid of anybody. Do you think I'm worried about pissing Glenn Reynolds off? Of COURSE I AM, but that fact still doesn't stop me from writing what I want to write. Throw it out there and say "fuck you" to whoever can't take a joke.

4. Grow a cast-iron ass. If people read you, you will receive hate-mail and the trolls will come. They will say mean, nasty, ugly things about you. You should get drunk and laugh at them, then call them all asshats. DO NOT let that shit bother you.

5. Give links to newcomers. I do that a lot. I read a lot of blogs and I know goodness when I see it. I'll link the unheard-of people because I could have used someone like me when I started out. I had to do it the hard way, without a benefactor like me, but now I can throw some visitors their way and I am happy to do it. Even if you become the next Glenn Reynolds, never forget your roots.

6. Never feed a troll. Ignore them.

7. Don't fuck with your templates unless you really know what you're doing and have a damn good reason for doing it. Since I don't know what I'm doing, I never fuck with mine. Therefore, whenever you visit GUT RUMBLES, you see what you expect to see. I don't like people who redecorate every week. They have a problem and should take up heavy drinking as a cure.

8. Don't put monkeys on your page. It sends the wrong message.

9. When someone links to you, you should acknowledge that link, either on your page or in an email. Or not, depending on who linked to you.

10. DON'T WEAR SHIRTS!!! They interfere with the absorbtion of vitamin "D" from sunshine and hide women's tittles. I don't like shirts. I don't like hidden titties, either.

There you have it. Answers to all of your questions.