Gut Rumbles

May 04, 2003

full disclosure

Since I signed up for a political position, then was courted by the opposing party, I feel that I simply MUST clarify my stance on several issues.

1) If Michele doesn't get her shit in one sock soon, I'm becoming a member of the opposing party. I don't care that all the good positions are filled already. I'll assassinate somebody. That's called "creating your own opportunity" in my book.

2) Guns: Yes. The more, the merrier. I am in favor of sidearms and long guns in every home. I care about THE CHILDREN, so I believe that they should be taught early in life to hit what they aim at.

3) Drugs: I am totally against drugs, especially if I have to pay for them. If you have any, GIVE them to me. I will eat them or smoke them see that they are disposed of properly. I'll do it to protect our children, while feeling really mellow at the same time.

4) Sex: I'm all in favor of sex. I don't believe in sodomy laws, unless they REQUIRE sodomy to be performed at every possible opportunity. That's a law I could live with. Wanna teach sex education in school? Show young men how to eat pussy and young women how to give blow-jobs. Never mind. That's called "Prom Night" anymore.

5) Abortion: I'm all pro-make-a-CHOICE-to-kill-your-baby, but I want to make it retroactive in some cases. Jesse Jackson comes to mind...

6) Tax cuts: My money is MY money. Give it to a politician and he'll spend it keeping himself in office. I say ABOLISH TAXES! ABOLISH GOVERNMENT! TEAR EVERYTHING DOWN AND START OVER!! If you shits would give me some free drugs, I might calm down.

7) Health Care: BWHAHAHAHAAAA!!! I'll tell every whining, denture-clicking senior citizen in the country the same thing: if you can't afford to PAY for what ails you, have the good grace to die quietly. You wrinkled fuckers already sucked up more from the public dole than you ever deserved, so shut the fuck up. You already ate MY Social Security, and now you want to eat my son's, too, before he ever even pays into that Ponzi scheme. Greedy shits. I believe that A-10 Warthogs should fly over every goddam golf course from Florida to North Carolina and cluster-bomb any old farts they find duffing there. The whining asshats can afford GREENS FEES, but they want ME to pay for their goddam Viagra. Fuck 'em.

8) Military: Yes. I want the biggest, baddest, most ass-kicking, technologically-advanced fighting force on the planet. I'm willing to pay for that. And I want somebody in charge with a set of cojones. I want a clear message sent to ANYONE who even CONSIDERS fucking with the USA: Do it and DIE! That's how you keep peace in the world.

9) Women's Rights: You have the right to remain silent while you clean my kitchen.

10) The Budget Deficit: That's a GOOD THING. I WANT my government to stay broke, penniless and destitute. Give government money and it will find ways to spend it, wastefully and foolishly. Keep the bastards with empty pockets and MAYBE they won't brain-fart any more stupid laws on us. Nah... I'm dreaming.

There you go. Full disclosure.


Well, I'm getting my shit in one sock by tomorrow morning.

But I ain't going in the kitchen and baking you a pie.

Posted by: michele on May 4, 2003 08:07 AM

He likes to cook so much [and brag on it], let him clean up his own messy kitchen!

Posted by: MommaBear on May 4, 2003 08:52 AM

My kitchen is NOT messy. It has "ambiance."

Posted by: Acidman on May 4, 2003 09:02 AM

I'll clean your kitchen. You got any place to park a flamethrower? (Fire kills germs!)

Posted by: Andrea Harris on May 4, 2003 09:54 AM

That's 'ambience'...what you said sounds more like 'ambulance', which is probably what's needed, anyway!

Posted by: MommaBear on May 4, 2003 01:11 PM

2, 6, 7 and 8 won my vote.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on May 4, 2003 02:52 PM

I saw that too, MB. Ironic that 2 out of Group 7 can spell, n'est ce pas? But I totally agree with Acidman's #7 premise. I'd blog about it, but I'd have to take a BP pill!!!

Posted by: Indigo on May 4, 2003 11:34 PM
Post a comment