February 23, 2005

entries are coming

About Mars and Venus:

Let's try THIS ONE from here!!!

When men and women use tools, it comes down to this: if a tool doesn't work, a man will get a more powerful tool while a woman will attempt to use a random object. A man hammering a nail in his home and finding the tool to be too small for the task will get a bigger hammer. However, when he comes back, he will usually find a woman trying to hammer the nail in with a high-heeled shoe, saying "I tried using my purse and then a frozen pork-chop from the freezer, but I think I'm getting it now."

Women talk a lot about a lot of things: emotions, childhood, education, job experiences, philosophy, life, death, flying squirrels, cocktail wieners, plastic buckets, huffing Draino, fear of bats, window panes, wind-shield wiper fluid, romance novels, how sticky price tags are when trying to remove them, labels saying "sanitized for your protection", fur-bearing Arctic tarantulas, what
shapes the clouds made on Tuesday, salivating St. Bernards, etc, etc.

Men are so quiet around women because they know they can't get a word in edge-wise so they give up. Men are very good at giving up on things they know can't be conquered: Mount Everest could be ascended, the North Pole could be reached, we could walk on the Moon but men eventually realized they could not overcome women's constant talking.

So the male gender quit trying and now nod their heads and say, "Yes, dear." This technique is effective, as women are usually too busy talking to notice men are not paying attention. Yes, dear.

When couples get together, it's always the same: the two wives will start chattering to each other about their feelings, but the two husbands will just occasionally grunt. "You go hardware section today?" "Yes. Radial saw. Goooood."

When I was married, my wife would send me to the store to buy her tampons. It probably contributed to the failure of the marriage, as I found it thoroughly degrading. I'd go into the store and be totally unable to locate the 'feminine products' aisle. So I'd ask a clerk, who would invariably reply, "married, eh?" before laughing at me. Then I'd get to the aisle with the tampons, and there are like 472 brands!

I personally thought there was only one type of vagina, but hey, guess I was wrong! There's like, absorbent, super-absorbent, mini, super-minis, extra-protection, triple-layered, full-radial, semi-radioactive, riboflavin-enhanced. And on these non-threatening pastel colored boxes there's always a picture of a happy woman jumping in a field of flowers under the brand name. Is that what women do to activate tampons? Walk out into a field and cavort amongst the flora?

And then I'd see the applicators these tampons come with and I swear they're pretty sizable things! Bigger than some guys, anyways! Why don't women just marry the applicators, anyways? They wouldn't get pregnant, and an applicater is functional at least once a month. I got worried when the tampon box I got for my wife said, "Give cigarette to applicator after use."

~~~

I sincerely hope these brought at least one chuckle to you, Acidman.
All my best, and keep giving the bastards hell.

Dan
www.internetslacker.com