February 01, 2005

cabinet meeting

ME: "How did it go, guys?"

Sec of State: "It went..."

Sec of Assorted Wherewithall: "I didn't get to kill him. After I ripped up that piece of paper, I showed him my knife only once, and he got real religious all of a sudden."

Sec of Defense: "Can I bomb the piss out of them anyway?"

Me: "Maybe. What did he agree to?"

Sec of State: "He's gonna shut the fuck up and stop being a pain in the ass. He'll also settle for $2.5 billion next year, which means we add some money to the slush fund. He also donated 500 of his favorite whores as a goodwill gesture'"

ME: "How many whores to we have now?"

Sec of State: "I've done an accurate count over the past week. We now have 1,091 whores on the payroll."

Sec of Def: "I did my own count and came up with 1,089. Who are you hiding from me, you Florida yankee?!! Got some good shit you're keeping for yourself?" (SecDEF slides a hand inside his coat pocket.)

ME: (I pull out my own pistol first.) "CUT THAT SHIT OUT!" I got everyone calmed down and focused on the meeting after I shot Pedro, that little prick running around with the water pitcher all the time. I always thought he was a spy.

STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!! Oh, sweet Bejus! It was my white house advisor. She struted right in and sat down at the table.

WHA: "Why aren't I ever invited to these meetings? What is this? A GUY thing?"

ME: "Yes. Now, go away."

(She kicks me in the eye again) "Ow! Goddam! What the fuck was that for?"

WHA: "Because you needed it. You're not leaving ME out of these meetings anymore." And she gave me that stubborn, snarky look that I've seen before. I need to add another chair at the table.

I just wish she'd stop kicking me in the eye. That shit hurts!